CrAZy-ToWn Circus and Sideshow (Updated 6:00 PM)

FOR UPDATE: SCROLL TO BOTTOM Ever since Jane Murray was elected mayor and turned Portsmouth into CRa-zY-ToWn USA, the city has basically become a circus. Some days all three rings of the circus end up on the front page of the newspaper. Yesterday was great example. 1. Center ring: The main attraction: "Mayor, City Council Bicker over CIP Budget" Last month, Mayor Murray gave City Council a hopelessly screwed-up operating budget months after she promised it. It was so bad that Council decided 5 to 1 to throw it out and go back to the previous mayor's proposed budget. (The only holdout was Richie "the Rug" Noel). So Murray follows that up with an equally bad capital budget, which included $0 for the fire department and multiple math errors and omissions. 2. Ring No. 2: "Traffic Light Issue Concerns Local Business Owners" "Attorneys for two companies and the owner of another spoke to Portsmouth City Council Monday night and warned about the proposed removal of certain traffic lights, and other issues ..." Why did these individuals just happen to show up (one all the way from Ashland) at a City Council meeting to speak on a subject that was not even on the agenda? One member of council, who seems to have a fetish for traffic lights, contacted several local businesses and said, "City Council wants to take away your traffic light, but don't say you heard it from me." So thanks to one member, City Council had to take time away from a busy agenda of addressing the many catastrophes that Calamity Jane Murray has brought on the City to re-assure worried business owners and their attorneys they have no intention of hurting their business. This man needs to get a life. 3. Ring No. 3: "Peck, Duncan Differ Over Faulty Wastewater Equipment" Jeff Peck, the roly-poly Sheriff of Crazytown, who is not an engineer but claims to be one because he sleeps at the Ramada Inn Express, called the Portsmouth Times a few days ago to tell them "I just found out that Rick Duncan [the previous wastewater director] had not done any safety things for a number of years." (What is a "safety thing?" Must be a technical term Peck picked up at Hazard County Community College.) Peck, who told the Ohio EPA in February that he didn't know nothin' 'bout operatin' no sewer plants, said he wasn't trying to stir things up. Peck, whose only wastewater experience is his claim that his girlfriend could suck harder than a City vacuum truck, said he just wanted to let the Times know about the safety issue because "I figured someone would blow it out of proportion." Peck, who will now have every crackhead in the county at the water plant looking for "chlorine crystals," concluded by saying "It was because I told them to start doing safety checks is what the real deal is." He's been on the job for four months and he finally told his employees to start doing safety checks? Actually, we're surprised the mayor didn't call a press conference for this! But yesterday the Crazy-Town circus was crazier than normal. Even three rings couldn't hold all of the weirdness in town. They had to open up a sideshow especially for Mayor Murray's imitation of a homeless person. An article (not on-line) with the headline "Mayor Murray Seeks Donations For Her Office" reported that the mayor has withdrawn her request for $11,600 to renovate her office and instead has sent out e-mails to scores of supporters complaining of harassment by City Council and asking for donations of furniture. "I really could use a desk, a small conference table (even a glass top) and chairs for my office." Next, will we see her standing on Second Street holding a cardboard sign? We doubt that we will get one of Murray's emails, but if we did we would ask what she did with the previous mayor's desk, conference table and chairs. She seems to have had a conference table in the picture below. Maybe she will put together one her famous bar charts to help explain the situation. Some of our readers have already suggested alternative ways of raising money for her office. If this doesn't work perhaps she could hold a telethon on Grandview Avenue where she got her political start in Portsmouth. Let's hope this approach works. As embarrassing as the whole situation is we would hate it if she had to resort to making even more of a spectacle of herself. Congratulations, Mayor. You have really kept your promise to bring all of your vast experience in government to your position as mayor to do for Portsmouth all the things you did for Lexington. UPDATE TO STORY (Thursday, 6:00 PM) The Mayor released the following statement this afternoon. It seems that all of our financial problems may now be solved. Looks like exciting news.

FROM THE OFFICE OF MAYOR JANE MURRAY

I am pleased to announce that I have recently secured a large grant for the City of Portsmouth. I have been in contact with a major international businessman who has agreed to give the city $9 million (60% of $15 million) to be used for whatever purposes the City sees fit, such as salary increases for selected individuals, office furniture, cultural centers, and GPS devices to keep track of errant shopping carts. Now all of the citizens of Portsmouth can see that I have kept my pledge that I would tap into funding sources that the previous administration was just too short-sighted and unsophisticated to understand. I told you all I could do it, and now I have. I have enclosed copy of our correspondence with the international donor who has generously agreed to provide these needed funds. All that remains to be done is for City Council to agree to deposit a token amount of funds into a certain account in a bank in Ghana, Africa. I am confident that even the fools on City Council will see the wisdom of investing $100,000 to receive $9,000,000. This will show all of you doubters of my administration, especially that terrible P-Town Underground. Signed, S. Jane Murray, Exalted Mayor of Portsmouth Copy of donor correspondence: