APRIL FOOL'S DAY CANCELLED

We are sorry to announce that the holiday known as April Fool's Day is hereby cancelled in Portsmouth. Since Mayor Murray has turned P-Town, Ohio into CRaZ Y tOwN, USA, the beloved holiday of practical jokes no longer has any meaning. As Steve Hayes from WNXT-FM's "Get Up and Go Show" said this morning:

Dear Friends. I know some of you were expecting a wild and outrageous "April Fool's" stunt this morning. Due to the fact that we've actually had 90 April Fool's days in a row I felt totally upstaged. I also felt a responibility to sensitivity to all who's lives have been interupted by the insenitivity from City Hall. I hope you understand that enough is enough. Usually this is a day that the "Get Up & Go Show" basks in the glory of tricking you. But, after much thought and brainstorming, we simply can't outdo the nonsense that the City of Portsmouth has been put through the last 90 days. From the arrests in the "Madam's" office, the brown water, the news headlines, traffic lights....sometimes we just can't be funny.

Mr. Hayes has an excellent point. After all, playing an April Fool's prank on the air in the City of Portsmouth today would be like busting out laughing at a funeral service or tripping a guy on crutches. And then what kind of jokes could you tell?
Mayor Murray tries to discipline a police officer for calling her ma'am instead of Madam Mayor? (Been there.)
Mayor Murray orders the police chief to investigate who took a picture of her bathroom? (Done that.)
Murray surrounds herself with kooks and losers. (Got the T-Shirt.)
Mayor Murray fires the Water Works Director for "gross mismanagement," threatens to have him "prosecuted" for firing a crooked employee who stole 1000s of dollars in equipment from the City and hires the director back 11 days later without a word of apology? (Not that funny the first time.)
Mayor Murray hires backwoods hick from Kentucky to be the "Commissioner of Engineering." But he has no engineering degree. In first week on the job, he calls the mechanics at the city works "n****r riggers" and tells jokes about n****rs and fags all week. Causing the Mayor to have to apologize to the black president of City Council. (Not our kind of humor.)
The Mayor hears on the news that the Ohio River is rising and orders her "Commissioner of Engineering" to "put up the flood gates!!" He calls out 18 city workers who stand in the rain for an hour before being sent home. They all get paid for 3 hours at time-and-a-half for doing nothing in the middle of a so-called budget crisis. (Now that was funny.)

As you can see all of the good April Fool's jokes are taken. But that's OK. Portsmouth will have its own Independence Day on July 6 when citizens can take out recall petitions against the Mayor (who started her political career in Portsmouth by trying to recall a city councilman whose seat she wanted). She will be gone by Veteran's Day. (If certain people get their act in gear, she could even be gone by Labor Day, but that may be wishful thinking.) One way or the other, the practical joke that was the Jane Murray adminstration will be over, and next April Fool's Day we can really celebrate. Any ideas for ways we can celebrate next April Fool's Day? CRAZY TOWN USA party? CAVE PEOPLE PARADE? Dress up as your favorite CAVE person. (We've got dibs on Daub, Noel, and a citizen). $5 donations to police and fire charities to flush the mayor's commemorative commode? (Is it possible to print photographs on toilet paper?)