Last week's Portsmouth Times (May 14, 2010) reported that Randy Nickles would become the new Director of Wastewater for the City of Portsmouth and that Jeff Peck, who has been the Wastewater Director, even though he doesn't know anything about wastewater, would be leaving city government.
Friday, May 21, 2010
CRa-Zy TOvvN Fo0TbALL
Last week's Portsmouth Times (May 14, 2010) reported that Randy Nickles would become the new Director of Wastewater for the City of Portsmouth and that Jeff Peck, who has been the Wastewater Director, even though he doesn't know anything about wastewater, would be leaving city government.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Portsmouth Times On-Line Survey
http://www.portsmouth-dailytimes.com/
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Monday, May 10, 2010
Congratulations to the Portsmouth Times!
In honor of this happy event, we would like to reprint one of our earlier stories (from 12/19/2009). This was the first story of our series: "The 12 Days of Grinchmas." (Yes, we know we never finished all 12. We'll get around to it eventually.) We humbly request that our readers try to find a way to express our appreciation for our hometown newspaper-send them a card, drop off some cookies, or even offer to take a reporter out to lunch.
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On the first day of Grinchmas, the Grinches want to see...
The Portsmouth Times in bankruptcy.
The Portsmouth Daily Times was first published in 1852. For over 150 years, it has been a faithful friend to the citizens of Portsmouth. It has told us about the world, employed our neighbors, and entertained us. It has announced our community's births, marriages, and deaths. Thanks to the Times, we know where the yard sales are, what churches have special services, and what ten items you can get for $10 at Krogers. The Times has struggled. It's not perfect. It's not what it once was, but what in Portsmouth is? As our city has struggled and tried to adjust to its financial constraints, so has the Portsmouth Times. The cutbacks are noticeable. It's easy to criticize the paper. But it's just as easy to praise it, if we choose. Their coverage of local events and sports is good. It's still a good place for many businesses to advertise. Most of all it is a reliable and important public institution. In an era when all newspapers are struggling and many are failing, Portsmouth is extremely fortunate to have a local paper. It provides jobs and is a small but significant part of our tax base. We believe the paper is vital to morale of our community. It has a circulation of 13,000 and covers much of Ohio and Kentucky. It would be a real blow to Portsmouth's prestige if the Daily Times ever went away.
BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE C.A.V.E. PEOPLE WANT.
Of all the CAVE People, ex-professor Robert Forrey is probably the Grinchiest. All he needs is a shabby Santa suit and a dab of green face powder and he would be a dead ringer. (Actually, he doesn't even need the makeup.) So of course he would love to see the death of the Times. Here are some things that Forrey (originally for Massachusetts) has said about our newspaper, on his execrable excuse for a website:
"People who really want progress in Portsmouth should take a pledge not to buy the incredibly shrinking newspaper." "Everyone should just say no to the Portsmouth Daily Times." "The Prostitute Daily Times." (Oh, professor, you're so clever.)
"The Little Shop of Horrors." "Our anorexic local newspaper." "It pays not to advertise." "I look forward to the day when there are no prostitutes or PDT dispensers on the street corners of Portsmouth."
Forrey's fellow traveler and alleged tax cheat, Austin Leedom, on his nasty little website, has his mind in the same gutter. He must be more religious than Forrey, because he calls the Times the "Anti-Christ Newspaper." He, like other CAVE People, frequently calls for its boycotting. "Boycott Portsmouth Daily Times - Editor Jason Lovins urges Democracy to be set aside. Adolph Hitler talked same way in Germany in mid-1930s. Be patriotic, why support Un-American propaganda? If you are a subscriber, cancel now. Save your money; stop patronizing businesses that advertise with the Daily Times until Jason Lovins is gone from Daily Times." This is just one example.
Teresa Mollette, the embarrassing "bitter half" of a recently defeated city councilman, uses her sorry excuses for websites to constantly criticize the Times for not agreeing with her vaunted opinions. The following plea is typical: "I encourage everyone in the community to voice their NONsupport of the PDT." On her website she stated that she cancelled her subscription to the Portsmouth Times AND Scioto Voice and wished she could cancel the delivery of the free newspaper, the Community Common, to her doorstep. She ended her rant by explaining that all you really need to know in Portsmouth can be found at the two websites that she runs. (Check her arrogant statements out for yourself, by clicking here.) And that's really what these internet freaks of nature would really love to see. No real news. Only their paranoid delusional internet propaganda. If you had any doubt, the hatred of the CAVE People for the Portsmouth Times should make it clear that they do not want the best for Portsmouth. They don't call for the paper to be better, or to have more revenue to hire more staff and print more pages. They call for it to fail. The impact of the failure of the Times on our community would be hard to estimate, but at the least it would a crippling spiritual blow to the citizens. It would mean no sharing of our children's sports and academic highlights. No obituaries of our loved ones. No reporting of progress and struggles of our town. No chance for your child to be a paper boy or girl. Dozens of people out of work. The end of the Times, if and when it comes, will be a sad day in Portsmouth. But not for the internet Grinches. They will celebrate. They will have a collective internet orgasm. They will probably dance like witches around a boiling cauldron. Anti-CAVE ACTION!! What can we do to counteract the hateful influences of the CAVE People? Here are a few suggestions: 1. Write a letter of appreciation to the Times, perhaps, to individual reporters, even if you don't always agree with them. Encourage these folks who have a demanding job and who are, in a real sense, servants of the public. 2. Resist the temptation to be a Grinch. One of the worst faults of human nature it the tendency to criticize others rather than to encourage. 3. Consider subscribing if you don't already get the paper. If you do, buy an extra copy now and then. It's just 50 cents. Leave it in the break room at work. 4. Advertise. If you have a business, call the Times and see what specials they have. Several churches have done very well with small, inexpensive front page ads. 5. LIE TO THE TIMES! Call them up and tell them they're the greatest newspaper ever. Maybe they will be!
Friday, May 7, 2010
C rA Zy JaN E's Latest Adventures
The slanderer-in-chief has struck again. As it so often happens, it seems the intrepid Frank Lewis and the Portsmouth Daily Times has said it best with today's headline.
TODAY'S RANDOM CRAZY-TOWN OBSERVATIONS 1. INSANE JANE vs. THE MAFIA
Don't you just hate it when you're walking along, minding your own business, not bothering anybody, and the mayor of a small to medium sized municipality accuses you of money laundering through your rental properties and being a member of the Mafia? Don't you just hate it when that happens?
"The suit also alleges that because DeSimone is an Italian American, Murray also published that he was in the Mafia."
The Mafia, Jane? Really? The freaking "Mafia"? La Cosa Nostra? Are you really going to climb that high up in the crazy tree?
We guess it was inevitable. First, Portsmouth is invaded by the Mexican Toro Loco Cartel. Then we get the Kentucky Mafia (aka, the Murray administration). Then the Irish Mob starts taking over. (Hey. What happened to you guys anyway?) Now, we have to worry about the REAL Mafia?
Jane, you can't even find out who took the picture of your bathroom, and now you're taking on the Mafia? (Does Crazy-Town's Sheriff, Mr. Peck, know about this? We can hear him now: "Hold on, Miss Jane, I didn't sign on with you to take on no Mafia." "Shut up, Peck, and do what I tell you." "Yes, Madam Mayor.")
In case you lost count, here is a list of the City's current legal liabilities:
Dan Saez, former Community Development Director: defamation, slander and libel
Jane Murray, et al: Basement flooding
Ohio EPA: Non-compliance with regulations regarding operator certification.
Did we mention Jane Murray's lawsuit against the City she is mayor of?
Rick Duncan, fired Wastewater Director: defamation, slander and libel.
Then there's Jane Murray's pending lawsuit. (By the way, at a council meeting on January 11, 2010, she said she had asked the Ohio Ethics Commission to determine if her lawsuit was a "conflict of interest" and promised to release it as soon as it was available. The commission must be busy, we guess.)
Shane DeSimone, Italian American Mobster: defamation, slander, libel.
Oh, and lest we forget. Jane Murray is also suing the City of Portsmouth.
You would think that even the stupidest Jane Murray supporter would get it by now. Jane Murray is incredibly incompetent. She takes her advice from felons, convicts, and CAVE people. She repeats rumors and gossip as if they were fact, if she imagines the information might somehow be used to her advantage. She believes when you're stuck in a hole, just keep on digging until you see daylight.
3. JONES MAY NEED ASSISTANCE TO DEFEND AGAINST SUITS
Do you think?
Due to the multiple lawsuits against the mayor and the city, potential conflicts of interest, and the fact that the City's liability insurance doesn't believe they have to pay out to defend the City against every damn idiotic accusation that comes out of the mouth of the Mayor of Crazy-Town, the City Solicitor thinks he may need the assistance of "separate attorneys." Actually, we don't even think Clarence Darrow, F. Lee Bailey, Perry Mason, L.A. Law, and Judd for the Defense could help you against these charges, but good luck with that.
We believe we have found the perfect solution to the City's dilemma: the classic defense of last resort. In November, when Jane Murray is recalled from office by the citizens (if she lasts that long), just go to the judge and plead "temporary insanity" on behalf of the City of Portsmouth. If he asks for proof that a whole town could be temporarily insane just refer him to Exhibit A: the archives of http://www.p-townundergound.com/ Open and shut case.
D. COINCIDENCE? WE THINK NOT!
The tombstone of the original CALAMITY JANE. Martha Jane Burke
Portsmouth's own CALAMITY JANE. Martha Jane Murray
There's got to be a connection.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Let's All Clean-up Crazy-Town!!
(PDT 5/4/10)
We especially like the "yada yada" part. Way to go, Mayor.
We believe the turn out could have been much higher if the CAVE people weren't too lazy and/or fat to get off their rear ends and do something positive for the city, and if the mayor had not alienated
Thursday, April 29, 2010
CrAZy-ToWn Circus and Sideshow (Updated 6:00 PM)
We doubt that we will get one of Murray's emails, but if we did we would ask what she did with the previous mayor's desk, conference table and chairs. She seems to have had a conference table in the picture below.
Maybe she will put together one her famous bar charts to help explain the situation.
Some of our readers have already suggested alternative ways of raising money for her office.
If this doesn't work perhaps she could hold a telethon on Grandview Avenue where she got her political start in Portsmouth.
Let's hope this approach works. As embarrassing as the whole situation is we would hate it if she had to resort to making even more of a spectacle of herself.
Congratulations, Mayor. You have really kept your promise to bring all of your vast experience in government to your position as mayor to do for Portsmouth all the things you did for Lexington.
UPDATE TO STORY (Thursday, 6:00 PM)
The Mayor released the following statement this afternoon. It seems that all of our financial problems may now be solved. Looks like exciting news.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Your Crazy Town T's for Today
In Crazy Town, anyone can be mayor (for 11 months).
Available at the Crazy Town, USA, gift shop in the City Building Annex and your local shopping mall.
(Thanks to CAVE Person and recalled City Councilman Harald Daub our local shopping mall is in Ashland, Ky. Click here for that story.)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Recall Facts, Part I
"Citizens For Change in the Fifth" was responsible for those little plastic signs that sprang up all over
town, especially in the Grandview area, beginning in late 2008. The signs proclaimed: "Portsmouth City Government has NO concern for their residents." (Apparently she didn't take grammar at UK.) Of course, Grandview Avenue is the route to Southern Ohio Medical Center. So thanks to Murray and her supporters, visitors to our town, including prospective doctors and employers, were treated to an on-going display of disgruntled citizens airing their "dirty laundry" for the world to see. What an inviting message for newcomers to our area!
Soon after her Grandview Avenue press conference in November 2008, when she announced her intent to recall and replace Howard Baughman on City Council, Jane Murray put several of the yellow signs in her yard on Dorman Drive. When Murray and her group began circulating petitions for Baughman's removal, he decided to step down from council rather than fight the recall effort. At this point the remaining five members of council requested resumes from citizens interested in representing the Fifth Ward.
Murray immediately took her recall signs down and applied to fill the open seat.
Council interviewed her and two other applicants and selected Attorney John Haas to fill the Fifth Ward seat instead of Murray. Murray and her entourage walked out of the council chambers and slammed the door, literally as Haas was being sworn in. Within a day Murray had put her yellow signs back out in her yard.
Her signs stayed out for several months until shortly before she publicly announced that she was going to run for Mayor. She removed the signs from her yards and they have remained down ever since.
After initiating the anti-City government signs and the recall attempt against Howard Baughman, Murray only displayed the signs at her own home when it suited her interests. This should have been an early clue to Jane Murray's hypocrisy and self-serving tactics.
Murray's political career in Portsmouth began with a recall and it will likely end with a recall. Part II of this series will describe the process of recalling a Mayor according to the Portsmouth City Charter.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
We're Just Wondering...
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
How Sad
Thursday, April 1, 2010
APRIL FOOL'S DAY CANCELLED
As Steve Hayes from WNXT-FM's "Get Up and Go Show" said this morning: Dear Friends. I know some of you were expecting a wild and outrageous "April Fool's" stunt this morning. Due to the fact that we've actually had 90 April Fool's days in a row I felt totally upstaged. I also felt a responibility to sensitivity to all who's lives have been interupted by the insenitivity from City Hall. I hope you understand that enough is enough. Usually this is a day that the "Get Up & Go Show" basks in the glory of tricking you. But, after much thought and brainstorming, we simply can't outdo the nonsense that the City of Portsmouth has been put through the last 90 days. From the arrests in the "Madam's" office, the brown water, the news headlines, traffic lights....sometimes we just can't be funny.Mr. Hayes has an excellent point. After all, playing an April Fool's prank on the air in the City of Portsmouth today would be like busting out laughing at a funeral service or tripping a guy on crutches. And then what kind of jokes could you tell?

Mayor Murray tries to discipline a police officer for calling her ma'am instead of Madam Mayor? (Been there.)
Mayor Murray orders the police chief to investigate who took a picture of her bathroom? (Done that.)
Murray surrounds herself with kooks and losers. (Got the T-Shirt.)
Mayor Murray fires the Water Works Director for "gross mismanagement," threatens to have him "prosecuted" for firing a crooked employee who stole 1000s of dollars in equipment from the City and hires the director back 11 days later without a word of apology? (Not that funny the first time.) Mayor Murray hires backwoods hick from Kentucky to be the "Commissioner of Engineering." But he has no engineering degree. In first week on the job, he calls the mechanics at the city works "n****r riggers" and tells jokes about n****rs and fags all week. Causing the Mayor to have to apologize to the black president of City Council. (Not our kind of humor.)
The Mayor hears on the news that the Ohio River is rising and orders her "Commissioner of Engineering" to "put up the flood gates!!" He calls out 18 city workers who stand in the rain for an hour before being sent home. They all get paid for 3 hours at time-and-a-half for doing nothing in the middle of a so-called budget crisis. (Now that was funny.)
As you can see all of the good April Fool's jokes are taken. But that's OK. Portsmouth will have its own Independence Day on July 6 when citizens can take out recall petitions against the Mayor (who started her political career in Portsmouth by trying to recall a city councilman whose seat she wanted). She will be gone by Veteran's Day. (If certain people get their act in gear, she could even be gone by Labor Day, but that may be wishful thinking.) One way or the other, the practical joke that was the Jane Murray adminstration will be over, and next April Fool's Day we can really celebrate. Any ideas for ways we can celebrate next April Fool's Day? CRAZY TOWN USA party? CAVE PEOPLE PARADE? Dress up as your favorite CAVE person. (We've got dibs on Daub, Noel, and a citizen). $5 donations to police and fire charities to flush the mayor's commemorative commode? (Is it possible to print photographs on toilet paper?)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Gardener and the Locoweed
Once upon a time, a town planted a garden. As the garden grew the townsfolk decided to hire a gardener. The new gardener was stranger in town, but he grew to love the garden. Then, after a few years, some of the townspeople planted a strange new seedling.
The gardener didn’t like the look of the scrawny little sprout. Soon it was covered with sharp thorns and sour little berries. He wanted to pluck the weed, before it grew out of control, but he knew if he pulled it too soon the stem would break off and its roots would continue to spread through the garden. Then he might never get it out.
Some townspeople began to complain about the thorny little plant. Even the gardener’s wife said, “Husband. We can’t have such a hideous plant in our garden. You are the gardener. You should pull it out now.” Most people said it was poison ivy or a Appalachian fly-trap. Some even said it was a deadly bluegrass stinkweed. Still others said it was a beautiful Kentucky wildflower, which would brighten the whole field if allowed to blossom…but most of these people lived in caves and knew nothing about gardening.
But the gardener knew it was a “Lexington locoweed.” Its fruits would be
rotten and the terrible smell of its flowers would soon reach even the A-Plant twenty miles away. Folks from all over were already making fun of the garden on the internet.
The gardener wanted to remove the weed, but should he? He went to ask the judge of the garden what he should do.
And here is the judge said: “You are right, gardener. It is a locoweed. And it will cause a lot of problems for the garden, as it has already. But you must remember that 44 people in the town planted that flower, and the rest of the town stood by and watched. If you pull it up b
efore the whole town sees the damage the weed does, then they will think that you are against them. A wise gardener would wait and let the locoweed grow all though the spring and summer. When the people see how ugly it is, they will uproot it themselves in the fall. And they will never plant one like it again. Or maybe the locoweed will wilt in the heat of the summer, and your job will be done for you.”
Perhaps the judge was right, the gardener thought. He even told himself, it will serve the townsfolk right…to have to remove the weed they planted. But he knew that the damage done by the Lexington locoweed would be devastating. The gardener loved the garden, and wanted to protect it. It was his job after all.
The gardener knew that if he made the wrong choice…the town would never live “happily ever after.”
Readers. What do you think the gardener should do?
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Murray's 2 Biggest Problems: Her Arrogance and Her Advisors
Just who is this big-city woman who comes riding high into our sleepy little one-horse town, virtually unknown to anyone who knows anyone, bragging about her over-qualifications (which she can’t back up) and claiming the ability to solve all of our problems? The dozen or so times I met her during the campaign she always said, “Oh, please call me Jane.” She sweet-talked enough locals to out-poll two qualified lifetime Portsmouth residents and win. Now, when anyone calls her Jane, she is insulted. She seems to think that being addressed on a first-name basis, even when you live in a small friendly community, is beneath her dignity. It seems that the lesson in humility that good ol’ “Just call me Jane” should be learning is a hard pill to swallow. In my years, I have known or just met many business leaders, professionals, elected officials — from local judges clear up to an Ohio attorney general — and not one has ever insisted on being addressed by their official title. I would also like to add that, not one has come into office so ill-equipped that they had to advertise, openly, in a newspaper of general circulation, to fill important full-time office staff positions, with benefits, out of the general labor pool. The outbursts, rantings and mood swings of our mayor are a disgrace to the city of Portsmouth and an insult to the misguided voters who put her in office. If you haven’t guessed, I’m not one of them. The person who sits in that office should be one of leadership. Leadership by example, with a willingness to cooperate and do whatever it takes to get things done. What we have is a name-calling, finger-pointer who hides behind e-mails and interoffice memo to a select few and are divisive in nature. There is an old saying, “Love is given; respect is earned.” Thank you JoAnn, for not bowing down to her majesty’s demand for respect (for her title) that she clearly has not earned. Walt Herrmann, PortsmouthSome folks don't..............
The Mayor sits on that committee for the project, it's regional not parochial like your demeanor and attitude. Even here, you think Portsmouth should not come out of it's cage? Wow................no wonder, this town goes no where fast. And the election is over, are you a Birther too? The Mayor's the Mayor, what are you doing for the community besides tearing it down like so many are? Greedy for salary and perks, and the like? Wonder why you are wallowing in the squalor? Geeish............
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Budget Day in Crazy Town USA: Pray for City Council
How else can you explain the weirdness coming out of City Hall? * Engineers who aren't engineers. * Budgets that aren't budgets. * Apologies that aren't apologies. * A grown woman who doesn't know how to act like a grown-up.
You can find many examples the craziness in most editions of the Portsmouth Times. Take today, for example: 1. Crazy Town Budget: The statements by the Fire Chief (click here to read) about his budget concerns appear on the front page of the paper, but the mayor's budget comments appear on A9. Strange for most cities, we must admit. But perfectly normal in Jane Murray's Crazy Town, USA.
2. Crazy Town Budget Cuts: In the article, "Budget Cuts Concern Fire Chief," we find out that in the Mayor's proposed budget "the largest budget reduction is in the Fire Department." Now we can speculate as to why (probably because of the Mayor's recent public tiff with the fire union), but making the fire department the target of the biggest cuts only makes sense on the Bizarro planet. The mayor frequently gets her advice from felons, anti-nuclear activists, drug users, and other questionable sources. Maybe Wayne Nichols, a leading citizen of Crazy Town, is her advisor
on the fire department budget. (Mr. Nichols is known for his sizable coin slot and his rambling, nonsensical, and often hateful tirades at City Council meetings, which often focus on the fire department, who he believes are overpaid incompetents who stand by and watch while children are burned alive inside their homes. He even blames them for his own home burning to the ground, despite years of Health Department enforcemetn attempts and warnings that his home was a firetrap.)
3. Crazy Town Math: Jane, explaining the amazing Mr. Peck's proposed salary. "My salary gross is $59,750, which is the same as last year's and my furlough amount is $1838. That would take it to $57,911. Jeff Peck's proposed salary is $59,000. So with his furlough amount of $1815. That puts him at $57, 185." Uuh. Thanks for clearing that up, Mayor. (Sheesh.)
4. Crazy Town Press Conference: "Whether it's water or sewer-we use those services multiple times a day. We all turn on water. We all flush the toilet multiple times per day." Thank you for sharing that, Your Majesty. Is there no end to your brilliance? (We wonder if she had this epiphany while seated on her new throne.)
5. Crazy Town Job Creation: When asked to explain her lone vote in the Ohio Valley Regional Commission against the A-Plant, she responded: "To be quite honest, I haven't given it much reflection and thought as to whether I would support it or not...I'm in favor of the jobs they would create--absolutely." She's for the jobs but is unsure about supporting the project that would create the jobs. Makes sense in Crazy Town. (Have you ever notice that when someone starts a sentence by saying "To be quite honest..." the rest of the sentence is probably a lie?)
6. Crazy Town Traffic: Last month, our engineer who is not an engineer, Jeff Peck
was the only person who was proclaimed by her Madam-ness as qualified to speak about traffic lights. (Just because he is not qualified to be an engineer in the State of Ohio, doesn't mean he can't be an engineer in Crazy Town!!) Today we learn that the Mayor's Chief of Police will recommend to City Council that the Mayor's traffic light ruling be overturned based on the Traffic Committee's 6 to 1 decision to implement ODOT requirements.
And who was the lone traffic committee member to vote in support of the Mayor? Darlene Daub. Huh? Wonder if she's any relation to "Little Daub'll Do Ya"? The Crazy Towner who got recalled in the 1970s. Oh, yeah. never mind.
The only Crazy-Town news that actually made sense in today's paper was on the editorial page: "The Mayor's Priority Should Be To Rebuild Trust." (Click here to read.) Here are a few gems by the author of that piece:
- "When your loftiest goal is to have your city put in fiscal emergency status by the State Auditor’s Office, it is time to re-evaluate the direction you are headed…it is difficult to believe it is the answer to the city’s problems."
- "There has to be a better way to solve the city’s problems, such as actually sitting down with city workers and laying the cards on the table, rather than belittling them and accusing them of not communicating, even though they have never been asked to actually meet and talk."
- "True administrators, who actually understand the workings of city government, do not attempt to rule over people — they try to communicate with them."
- "Insisting on being addressed as “Madam Mayor” is absurd, and will, in no way, endear one to the people they are supposed to be serving and working with."
- "You can’t say you are going to be more open and cooperative, then turn around and try to muzzle the Chief of Police in an open forum. The constant bickering; the endless haranguing; the elitist attitude has to go."
- "Those involved in the State Auditor’s Office know fiscal emergency status is a last resort…being placed in that category should not be the goal. We were told there would be new creative ideas in the new administration."
- "So far we have been disappointed by learning that the only answers are blaming your predecessor and looking for state assistance to re-negotiate contracts. That is neither creative nor sound."









