Budget Day in Crazy Town USA: Pray for City Council

Portsmouth has always had its problems. The Cave People are just the latest incarnation of the the "Little People" who plagued outr city back in the 70s and 80s. We have always had "Citizens Against Virtually Everything." We have always had one or two of them on City Council. They are Portsmouth's cross to bear. But occasionally the weirdos take over and Portsmouth turns into Crazy Town. It happened in the 1970s when the axis of evil know as Daub, Price, and Clausing got elected to City Council. They did a lot of damage in a short time but soon the citizenry had enough of their shenanigans and all three were recalled the following November. Now the Queen of the CAVERS has been elected Mayor, and no doubt her fate will soon be the same. Unfortunately, as it always does when the CAVE People take over, Portsmouth has once again turned into Crazy Town USA, and we have to deal with the Mayor from Bizarro World.

How else can you explain the weirdness coming out of City Hall? * Engineers who aren't engineers. * Budgets that aren't budgets. * Apologies that aren't apologies. * A grown woman who doesn't know how to act like a grown-up.

You can find many examples the craziness in most editions of the Portsmouth Times. Take today, for example: 1. Crazy Town Budget: The statements by the Fire Chief (click here to read) about his budget concerns appear on the front page of the paper, but the mayor's budget comments appear on A9. Strange for most cities, we must admit. But perfectly normal in Jane Murray's Crazy Town, USA.

2. Crazy Town Budget Cuts: In the article, "Budget Cuts Concern Fire Chief," we find out that in the Mayor's proposed budget "the largest budget reduction is in the Fire Department." Now we can speculate as to why (probably because of the Mayor's recent public tiff with the fire union), but making the fire department the target of the biggest cuts only makes sense on the Bizarro planet. The mayor frequently gets her advice from felons, anti-nuclear activists, drug users, and other questionable sources. Maybe Wayne Nichols, a leading citizen of Crazy Town, is her advisor on the fire department budget. (Mr. Nichols is known for his sizable coin slot and his rambling, nonsensical, and often hateful tirades at City Council meetings, which often focus on the fire department, who he believes are overpaid incompetents who stand by and watch while children are burned alive inside their homes. He even blames them for his own home burning to the ground, despite years of Health Department enforcemetn attempts and warnings that his home was a firetrap.) 3. Crazy Town Math: Jane, explaining the amazing Mr. Peck's proposed salary. "My salary gross is $59,750, which is the same as last year's and my furlough amount is $1838. That would take it to $57,911. Jeff Peck's proposed salary is $59,000. So with his furlough amount of $1815. That puts him at $57, 185." Uuh. Thanks for clearing that up, Mayor. (Sheesh.) 4. Crazy Town Press Conference: "Whether it's water or sewer-we use those services multiple times a day. We all turn on water. We all flush the toilet multiple times per day." Thank you for sharing that, Your Majesty. Is there no end to your brilliance? (We wonder if she had this epiphany while seated on her new throne.) 5. Crazy Town Job Creation: When asked to explain her lone vote in the Ohio Valley Regional Commission against the A-Plant, she responded: "To be quite honest, I haven't given it much reflection and thought as to whether I would support it or not...I'm in favor of the jobs they would create--absolutely." She's for the jobs but is unsure about supporting the project that would create the jobs. Makes sense in Crazy Town. (Have you ever notice that when someone starts a sentence by saying "To be quite honest..." the rest of the sentence is probably a lie?) 6. Crazy Town Traffic: Last month, our engineer who is not an engineer, Jeff Peck was the only person who was proclaimed by her Madam-ness as qualified to speak about traffic lights. (Just because he is not qualified to be an engineer in the State of Ohio, doesn't mean he can't be an engineer in Crazy Town!!) Today we learn that the Mayor's Chief of Police will recommend to City Council that the Mayor's traffic light ruling be overturned based on the Traffic Committee's 6 to 1 decision to implement ODOT requirements. And who was the lone traffic committee member to vote in support of the Mayor? Darlene Daub. Huh? Wonder if she's any relation to "Little Daub'll Do Ya"? The Crazy Towner who got recalled in the 1970s. Oh, yeah. never mind. The only Crazy-Town news that actually made sense in today's paper was on the editorial page: "The Mayor's Priority Should Be To Rebuild Trust." (Click here to read.) Here are a few gems by the author of that piece:

• "When your loftiest goal is to have your city put in fiscal emergency status by the State Auditor’s Office, it is time to re-evaluate the direction you are headed…it is difficult to believe it is the answer to the city’s problems."
• "There has to be a better way to solve the city’s problems, such as actually sitting down with city workers and laying the cards on the table, rather than belittling them and accusing them of not communicating, even though they have never been asked to actually meet and talk."
• "True administrators, who actually understand the workings of city government, do not attempt to rule over people — they try to communicate with them."
• "Insisting on being addressed as “Madam Mayor” is absurd, and will, in no way, endear one to the people they are supposed to be serving and working with."
• "You can’t say you are going to be more open and cooperative, then turn around and try to muzzle the Chief of Police in an open forum. The constant bickering; the endless haranguing; the elitist attitude has to go."
• "Those involved in the State Auditor’s Office know fiscal emergency status is a last resort…being placed in that category should not be the goal. We were told there would be new creative ideas in the new administration."
• "So far we have been disappointed by learning that the only answers are blaming your predecessor and looking for state assistance to re-negotiate contracts. That is neither creative nor sound."

As always, the Portsmouth Times has dutifully kept us informed of the goings-on at City Hall, since Jan. 4, and have taken no one's side over another. They print the citizens' points of view (however incoherent a citizen might be), keep in regular contact with state sources, such as ODOT and EPA, and whenever possible attempt to portray our city in the best possible light, at least on the editorial page. No wonder the CAVE People, the self-proclaimed defenders of open government and truth, have called for boycotts of the Times for many years. We thank God that the Times is still there. All citizens should be pleased if the paper feels a tad thicker lately when you pick it up. (which some of us should do more often.) We only disagree with one statement from today's editorial: "The people of the city of Portsmouth overwhelmingly voted to support Jane Murray for Mayor." Although her vote compared to Kalb was overwhelming, Murray only got 44% of the vote. Still we believe most people were willing to give her every opportunity to do well. Even we did not criticize the Mayor after the election until her first disastrous week in office. Instead of having the wisdom to bring those who voted for Kalb or Skiver over to her side, her first acts were to demonize the previous administration and alienate increasing numbers of citizens, from friends and families of the fired department heads to the extended families of those whose livelihoods depend on the continuing well-being of the A-Plant. The Mayor has dug herself into a deep hole, and doesn't have the sense to stop digging. But that's how things are done in Bizarro World, also known as Crazy Town, USA.