On the Ninth Day of Grinchmas

On the Ninth Day of Grinchmas, the Grinches want to see... Nine Forrey FAILS... Eight empty theaters... Seven Abominations... Six Grinches on Council... No golden rings... Fourth Ward Foolishness... Three Evil Websites... Two-Faced Bloggers... And the Portsmouth Times in bankruptcy. The New Year brings both good and bad news, dear reader.

THE GOOD NEWS: The wacky atheist professor, Robert Forrey, announced that he was leaving the area. He's moving away "to prepare a publication for the 300th anniversary of a church [huh?] in my hometown, in Massachusetts." (Thank you, gods of atheism!) THE BAD NEWS: He says it's only for 6 months. Oh well, any break from the deranged blather of his demented little blog is reason to party in P-Town. Here at the Underground, we've come up with a suitable way to celebrate his coming departure. In honor of this wonderful event, we hereby present 9 Epic Forrey Fails!

If you've used the internet very often you're probably familiar with "fails." Fails are funny pictures or videos on the Internet that usually show some poor unfortunate person earnestly trying to accomplish something, failing miserably, and often making a fool of himself in the process. There are entire websites dedicated to chronicling these "Epic Fails," such as failblog.org. Here are a few of examples of "fails" for your enjoyment. We are pleased to announce that we have discovered some excellent and equally funny "fails" much closer to home, courtesy of our own Wacky Professor Robert Forrey. Forrey likes to tells us poor hillbilly hicks in southern Ohio how brilliant he is. Of course, the under-educated CAVE People have fallen for his line of self-serving BS. Forrey, about whom we have shared so much in the past, is the gay, atheist, patron saint of the CAVE People. His followers dutifully report the latest mental droppings from his blog, RiverVices.com, on such local internet rags such as portsmouthcitizens. info, mollette. info, and inbredidiotsofportsmouth .com, as if the pablum that fall from his twisted brain is actually pure gold. 1. ATHEISM FAIL (River Vices, 12/22/09) Forrey's only claim to fame outside the CAVEs of Portsmouth, is a halfway clever poem he wrote shortly after 9/11, called "The Agnostic's Prayer," which was printed on the website "PositiveAtheism. org." His little ditty starts out "Save us, God, who don't believe in you./Save us from the multitudes who do." It goes on to claim that all religions equally bad, referring to belief in God as a collectivized "psychosis," and to compare nativity scenes to Muslim jihads, etc. For example, "Save us from Bin Ladin and Jerry Falwell," as if Christian preachers practicing their faith are terrorists who want to fly airliners into skyscrapers. Here are the poem's last lines:

"Save us from your followers true, But save us, above all, God, from you."

But strangely enough, on December 22, 2009, he announced "I will be taking a sabbatical from River Vices for the first half of 2010 to prepare a publication for the 300th anniversary of a church in my hometown, in Massachusetts." Are we the only ones who think this is odd? What self-respecting 300-year-old church would hire Forrey to write anything for them? For heaven's sake, he's a gay atheist! (Or as we like to call him, a "gatheist." Or maybe he's a "gagnostic.") What are they thinking? Are there no Christians left in Massachusetts? And if Forrey really believes what he says, why would he support any church? How hypocritical is that? And even worse, walking into such a viper's nest of religious lunatics, as he seems to think of them, could be suicidal! What happened to "Save us from every minaret and steeple,/ Save us from every Chosen People"? We guess "every" doesn't really mean "every" in the mind of a gatheist. Sounds like an "ATHEISM FAIL" to us! 2. ARCHITECTURE FAIL (10/27/09) Like many losers, Forrey is always telling other people how smart he is. He frequently uses words and phrases he doesn't really understand just to impress his followers. For example, after criticizing Mayor Kalb for being "Ignorant and uneducated...about the history and culture of his hometown," he went on to display his own ignorance and lack of education of the same subject.

"The Municipal Building is no Taj Mahal, but it is architecturally important, reflecting the Art Nouveau style that had become popular earlier in the twentieth century."

Art Nouveau style?? Sorry, Professor. That's a big FAIL right there.

The Municipal Building is Art Deco. Art Nouveau is an elaborate style of architecture popular in 19th Century Europe. It's not similar to Art Deco, at all. If you're going to denigrate the mayor for not knowing whether the Municipal Building was built under the Works Progress Administration or not, you should do your own homework. At least, Mayor Kalb got the right century! And continent!

As any college freshman would likely know (except perhaps students who had to sit through your dumb classes), you're wrong as usual. But thank you anyway for your amusing attempt to educate us poor hayseeds in hickville. In Architecture, you get an 'F' for FAIL. 3. CRIME FAIL (5/9/07) In 2007, the CAVE People put forth one of their pawns to run for City Council: Wayne Lee Nichols. (His name may sound like a serial killer, but as far as we know he's not.) Now everyone knew that Nichols' home was fire trap, piled high with rags and trash and other junk, inside, in the front and yards, and even in the street, on a junk-piled flat bed truck. After numerous complaints from his neighbors and unsuccessful enforcement attempts, the City Health Department was forced to take Nichols to court. Forrey and Nichols' other enablers of the CAVE persuasion complained that the City's enforcement actions were political. As Forrey stated on his blog:

"Nichols’ most serious offense, I believe, is not his procrastination in cleaning up his premises but rather his attending city council meetings and speaking up in those periods set aside for citizens to address the city council..."

Despite Forrey's attempt at minimizing Nichols' many personal, legal, and financial problems, Nichols already had a criminal record, was a neighborhood menace, and had had a home foreclosed on just a few years prior. (Since then Nichol's has been charged with additional crimes and is now facing serious time in prison.) So, no, "procrastination" was not your candidate's "most serious offense." But the CAVE People were more concerned about their petty agendas than Nichol's own safety and the well-being of his neighbors. On Nov. 4 of this year, Nichols' home finally burned to the ground, heavily damaging Star Dry Cleaners next door and seriously damaging another residence. Star Cleaners had pleaded with the Health and Police Departments for years for help in correcting the Nichols' numerous violations, including flammable debris piled by Nichols up against the Dry Cleaner's building. But thanks to Forrey and Nichol's other enablers, Nichols is homeless and Star Cleaners may never re-open.

But that's just fine with the CAVE People who really care nothing about the man, or the ruined dry cleaners. The burned out, smoked-damaged business stands as yet another monument to the hateful vision of the Forrey followers and their agenda of failure for the City of Portsmouth.

Yet another FAIL by Forrey and the CAVE People. 4. ID FAIL (11/4/2009) Forrey and the CAVE people have been obsessed with our true identity since P-Town Underground first appear. Forrey provided one of their many lame speculations on his website:

"I have little doubt that one of those writing anonymously for the Underground blog is an alcoholic human virus who insinuates himself electronically into the Portsmouth body politic by parasitically taking on the appearance or coloration of his political enemies, of capitalizing on their greater name recognition. A political ally of the Kalb family, this creep started out some years ago by calling himself Look Deeper, mimicking "Doug Deepe," John Welton’s well-known pseudonym. More recently he has adopted the pseudonym River Lices, mimicking River Vices."

An "alcoholic human virus"? I think the professor is trying to hurt our feelings. We have no connection to the gentleman the demented professor is referring to, but if Forrey hates him so much, he must be a fine individual. Chalk up another fail. If you bother to read Forrey's blithering, you will notice that the only attack of P-Town Underground that he can come up with is name-calling. He says we are homophobes, meanies, liars, and any other insult he can find in his nasty little thesaurus. But he has yet to factually dispute anything we have reported. 5. CULTURE AND BIOLOGY FAIL (11/20/09) Forrey shows his lack of knowledge of American culture and biology with the following quote:

"One of the anonymous Portsmouth bloggers [referring to P-Town Underground]posted a photo of the actor Edward Woodward, who starred in The Equalizer, a 1980s TV show about a former secret service agent who uses his gun, “the equalizer,” as a goniff, or law-skirting, free-lance vigilante, the bastard offspring of the same-sex marriage of James Bond and Dirty Harry."

a. The truth is Woodward hardly ever used a gun in his classic TV show. Firearms were always a last resort, but sometimes necessary when protecting his innocent clients against mobsters and murderers in the big city. Also, his gun was not the Equalizer, Woodward himself was. b. The Equalizer was NOT "the bastard offspring of the same-sex marriage of James Bond and Dirty Harry." Maybe no one has explained to the professor that two men cannot have children no matter how many times they try. It is a biological impossibility. Sorry, we know it seems unfair, but reproduction always requires a woman. (Lucky for him. We suspect Forrey would have been pregnant many times over by now.) (Forrey seems to have an obsession with snidely accusing heterosexual males of having homosexual relations, not just James Bond and Dirty Harry, but also city council members and citizens he disagrees with. Apparently it is an attempt at humor, but it is surprisingly common on his blogs. Must be a psychological hang-up.) 6. FINANCE FAIL (3/28/09) Forrey's concern for the fiances of our fine City Solicitor Mike Jones is truly touching as in a recent "expose" about Jones' investment in the Crispie Creme Donut Shop.

Rumors currently circulating about Jones being in dire financial difficulties are just that—rumors, but with the financial meltdown and business recession that have occurred since he acquired Crispie Creme in the summer of 2007, it would not be surprising if Jones was in a financial deep fry, and that he soon may be toast.

Isn't it impressive that the professor can create a rumor, circulate the rumor, deny the rumor, and then repeat the rumor he just denied...ALL IN A SINGLE SENTENCE?! But rumor-mongering is par for the course among the CAVE People. Well, we take comfort in the fact that Jones is a respected attorney and local entrepreneur, with a nice family and a "house on the hill" (as Forrey puts it), while Forrey lives alone in an upstairs apartment on Fourth Street after a lackluster career as a teacher, which he retired from under questionable circumstances. We think we will get our financial advice elsewhere, Professor Fail! 7. SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE FAIL (11/4/09) Some people prefer it when the truth is covered up and hidden for the people who have right to know it. Forrey likes it that way.

"The Underground also homophobically suggested that Mike Mearan’s opponent had AIDS, a dirty trick that was followed up by another supporter of Mearan who produced an incriminating dirty-tricks flyer that purported to be from Mearan’s gay-agenda opponent."

We didn't "suggest" that Kevin Johnson had AIDS. The San Francisco Chronicle stated it as a fact in a newspaper interview with Johnson himself. We even reproduced the article, in its entirety, our website. Before moving to here in 2002, Johnson lived in the San Francisco area (you know, where they separate the men from the boys with a crowbar). He was such a well-known gay activist that, when they learned he was moving away, the newspaper interviewed him to find out what his plans were, mentioning Portsmouth specifically. The Chronicle reported Johnson's HIV status, his gay relationship, his gay rights lawsuits, and his gay activism, including gay partner benefits legislation that he claimed credit for passing in California. We believe that voters of Portsmouth deserved the same information that the citizens of California had, and we did our best to share the information. That doesn't make us "homophobes." Just people who care about the truth. Unlike Forrey.

8. JOURNALISM FAIL (5/29/06) In the wacky professor's mind, THIS is what passes for a historic event in Portsmouth's history:

"That’s why the founding of the Shawnee Sentinel in 1995, at Shawnee State U., was an important event in Portsmouth’s history. The Sentinel is far from perfect, and may not always be diplomatic or grammatical, but it has relentlessly exposed our shadow government and their accomplices and stooges in the city government."

The plague on Portsmouth, known as the Shawnee Sentinel, has been a joke since day one. This so-called newspaper is where we first heard of Doug Deepe (as a pseudonym for a convicted embezzler named John Welton) who used the paper to covertly proclaim his innocence and attempt to subvert his criminal investigation. The line of Sentinistas who spread their lies through this rag is a long one, including Welton, Austin Leedom, Wally Leedom (his son), and Harold (Little Daub'll Do Ya) Daub. For your amusement, we present a scan of a notice from the October 2007 issue of the Shawnee Sentinel.

Yes, he is talking about that Harold Daub! The same Daub that the Leedom's, the Mollette's, Forrey, and all the other CAVE People, Sentinistas, and Grinches, put forth as an icon of their inbred little group, the victim of the evil powers-that-be, and an unsung hero of Portsmouth. The same Daub that Forrey praises over and over on his blog.

The Shawnee Sentinel, the newspaper of record for the CAVE Clan, which Forrey calls "historic" and says "it has relentlessly expose[s] our shadow government and their accomplices and stooges in the city government," officially reported that Harold Daub was a liar. Isn't this the funniest thing you've ever heard? The Shawnee Sentinel reports that for over a year Harold Daub used the pages of the Shawnee Sentinel to:

1. write "lies about people" 2. "hurt people and hurt their feelings" 3. "victimize" people, and 4. "damage [people] by these lies"

So Wally Leedom finally "barred [Daub] from writing for the Shawnee Sentinel." (Hoo, boy! We just can't stop laughing at these fools.) Excuse our language, but what we have in here is a classic, CAVE People, four-man ---------. Wally Leedom, son of Austin Leedom, accuses Harold Daub of lying in the pages of the Shawnee Sentinel under a false identity to conceal his activities from his employer and the Federal Government, in the very "newspaper" paper that debuted Doug Deepe, aka John Welton, who now claims to have rock-solid proof that Wally and Austin Leedom have intentionally evaded paying taxes on out-of-state disaster relief work---the work that Leedom is claiming in this very notice. Are you dizzy yet?

As we keep saying, they are an incestuous little group. Forrey must be concerned about the continued well-being of the Sentinistas. After all, when he leaves for Massachusetts, who will be left to sneak them in to the printing presses of Shawnee State University in the middle of the night so they can print their little yellow rag at the university's expence? Ah, your tax dollars at work! And last but not least.... 9. STATISTIC FAIL (5/9/07) Professor Forrey is a malicious person.

Prior to the 2007 City Council election, the dignified Professor Forrey used his blog to insult the incumbent Fourth Ward Councilman Jerrold Albrecht, calling him "rich white trash," an "old man," "a cat's paw for those who control the city," and a "cockroach." He went on to suggest that Albrecht's death or "incapacitation" would be a good thing for Portsmouth, except that "the powers-that-be will be quite ready with another candidate for the city council to appoint as his replacement." (This passes for compassion among the CAVE People.)

This leads us into the final foolish Forrey Fail from his blog. (At least, it's the last one we have time for today.) On 5/9/2007, he stated:

"Because Albrecht is of advanced age, his chances of finishing a four-year term on council are probably less than fifty-fifty, although health experts say taking naps during the day is a good way to achieve longevity, so maybe the odds of him finishing a term are better than fifty-fifty."

Forrey, Forrey, Forrey. You poor deranged, math-challenged fool. Your life spans predictions are just wishful thinking and as usual for you, just plain wrong. You claimed he had a life expectancy of just two years (50% of a "four-year term").

Life insurance companies and even the federal government produce handy little charts called "actuarial tables" where you can look up such things. Despite your hateful prediction, the honorable councilman (who is around 70 now) is getting along quite well, stays wide awake at all council meetings, and STILL has a life expectancy of at least 13 more years (and many more we hope, Mr. Albrecht). We hope he serves the City for years to come and continues to frustrate the evil schemes of the CAVE Clan.

A word of advice to Professor Fail. We think you should be more concerned about your own health than Mr. Albrecht's. Looking at the pictures below (Albrecht on left, Forrey on right), who do you think is more likely to drop over at any minute?

Good luck in Massachusetts, Professor.

Make it a Happy New Year!

Don't come back!