CrAZy-ToWn Circus and Sideshow (Updated 6:00 PM)

FOR UPDATE: SCROLL TO BOTTOM Ever since Jane Murray was elected mayor and turned Portsmouth into CRa-zY-ToWn USA, the city has basically become a circus. Some days all three rings of the circus end up on the front page of the newspaper. Yesterday was great example. 1. Center ring: The main attraction: "Mayor, City Council Bicker over CIP Budget" Last month, Mayor Murray gave City Council a hopelessly screwed-up operating budget months after she promised it. It was so bad that Council decided 5 to 1 to throw it out and go back to the previous mayor's proposed budget. (The only holdout was Richie "the Rug" Noel). So Murray follows that up with an equally bad capital budget, which included $0 for the fire department and multiple math errors and omissions. 2. Ring No. 2: "Traffic Light Issue Concerns Local Business Owners" "Attorneys for two companies and the owner of another spoke to Portsmouth City Council Monday night and warned about the proposed removal of certain traffic lights, and other issues ..." Why did these individuals just happen to show up (one all the way from Ashland) at a City Council meeting to speak on a subject that was not even on the agenda? One member of council, who seems to have a fetish for traffic lights, contacted several local businesses and said, "City Council wants to take away your traffic light, but don't say you heard it from me." So thanks to one member, City Council had to take time away from a busy agenda of addressing the many catastrophes that Calamity Jane Murray has brought on the City to re-assure worried business owners and their attorneys they have no intention of hurting their business. This man needs to get a life. 3. Ring No. 3: "Peck, Duncan Differ Over Faulty Wastewater Equipment" Jeff Peck, the roly-poly Sheriff of Crazytown, who is not an engineer but claims to be one because he sleeps at the Ramada Inn Express, called the Portsmouth Times a few days ago to tell them "I just found out that Rick Duncan [the previous wastewater director] had not done any safety things for a number of years." (What is a "safety thing?" Must be a technical term Peck picked up at Hazard County Community College.) Peck, who told the Ohio EPA in February that he didn't know nothin' 'bout operatin' no sewer plants, said he wasn't trying to stir things up. Peck, whose only wastewater experience is his claim that his girlfriend could suck harder than a City vacuum truck, said he just wanted to let the Times know about the safety issue because "I figured someone would blow it out of proportion." Peck, who will now have every crackhead in the county at the water plant looking for "chlorine crystals," concluded by saying "It was because I told them to start doing safety checks is what the real deal is." He's been on the job for four months and he finally told his employees to start doing safety checks? Actually, we're surprised the mayor didn't call a press conference for this! But yesterday the Crazy-Town circus was crazier than normal. Even three rings couldn't hold all of the weirdness in town. They had to open up a sideshow especially for Mayor Murray's imitation of a homeless person. An article (not on-line) with the headline "Mayor Murray Seeks Donations For Her Office" reported that the mayor has withdrawn her request for $11,600 to renovate her office and instead has sent out e-mails to scores of supporters complaining of harassment by City Council and asking for donations of furniture. "I really could use a desk, a small conference table (even a glass top) and chairs for my office." Next, will we see her standing on Second Street holding a cardboard sign? We doubt that we will get one of Murray's emails, but if we did we would ask what she did with the previous mayor's desk, conference table and chairs. She seems to have had a conference table in the picture below. Maybe she will put together one her famous bar charts to help explain the situation. Some of our readers have already suggested alternative ways of raising money for her office. If this doesn't work perhaps she could hold a telethon on Grandview Avenue where she got her political start in Portsmouth. Let's hope this approach works. As embarrassing as the whole situation is we would hate it if she had to resort to making even more of a spectacle of herself. Congratulations, Mayor. You have really kept your promise to bring all of your vast experience in government to your position as mayor to do for Portsmouth all the things you did for Lexington. UPDATE TO STORY (Thursday, 6:00 PM) The Mayor released the following statement this afternoon. It seems that all of our financial problems may now be solved. Looks like exciting news.

FROM THE OFFICE OF MAYOR JANE MURRAY

I am pleased to announce that I have recently secured a large grant for the City of Portsmouth. I have been in contact with a major international businessman who has agreed to give the city $9 million (60% of $15 million) to be used for whatever purposes the City sees fit, such as salary increases for selected individuals, office furniture, cultural centers, and GPS devices to keep track of errant shopping carts. Now all of the citizens of Portsmouth can see that I have kept my pledge that I would tap into funding sources that the previous administration was just too short-sighted and unsophisticated to understand. I told you all I could do it, and now I have. I have enclosed copy of our correspondence with the international donor who has generously agreed to provide these needed funds. All that remains to be done is for City Council to agree to deposit a token amount of funds into a certain account in a bank in Ghana, Africa. I am confident that even the fools on City Council will see the wisdom of investing $100,000 to receive $9,000,000. This will show all of you doubters of my administration, especially that terrible P-Town Underground. Signed, S. Jane Murray, Exalted Mayor of Portsmouth Copy of donor correspondence:

Your Crazy Town T's for Today

Get'em while they last.

In Crazy Town, anyone can be mayor (for 11 months).

Available at the Crazy Town, USA, gift shop in the City Building Annex and your local shopping mall.

(Thanks to CAVE Person and recalled City Councilman Harald Daub our local shopping mall is in Ashland, Ky. Click here for that story.)

Recall Facts, Part I

Madam Mayor Ms. Jane Murray began her "political career" in Portsmouth by initiating a recall attempt against her city councilman, Howard Baughman, whose position she hoped to fill. A copy of a news release from her group, Citizens For Change in the Fifth, can be found by clicking here.

"Citizens For Change in the Fifth" was responsible for those little plastic signs that sprang up all over town, especially in the Grandview area, beginning in late 2008. The signs proclaimed: "Portsmouth City Government has NO concern for their residents." (Apparently she didn't take grammar at UK.) Of course, Grandview Avenue is the route to Southern Ohio Medical Center. So thanks to Murray and her supporters, visitors to our town, including prospective doctors and employers, were treated to an on-going display of disgruntled citizens airing their "dirty laundry" for the world to see. What an inviting message for newcomers to our area!

It is interesting that most people who had these signs in their yards left them up until November of last year when Murray was elected. But one citizen in particular only put out her signs for certain periods of time.

Soon after her Grandview Avenue press conference in November 2008, when she announced her intent to recall and replace Howard Baughman on City Council, Jane Murray put several of the yellow signs in her yard on Dorman Drive. When Murray and her group began circulating petitions for Baughman's removal, he decided to step down from council rather than fight the recall effort. At this point the remaining five members of council requested resumes from citizens interested in representing the Fifth Ward.

Murray immediately took her recall signs down and applied to fill the open seat.

Council interviewed her and two other applicants and selected Attorney John Haas to fill the Fifth Ward seat instead of Murray. Murray and her entourage walked out of the council chambers and slammed the door, literally as Haas was being sworn in. Within a day Murray had put her yellow signs back out in her yard.

Her signs stayed out for several months until shortly before she publicly announced that she was going to run for Mayor. She removed the signs from her yards and they have remained down ever since.

After initiating the anti-City government signs and the recall attempt against Howard Baughman, Murray only displayed the signs at her own home when it suited her interests. This should have been an early clue to Jane Murray's hypocrisy and self-serving tactics.

Murray's political career in Portsmouth began with a recall and it will likely end with a recall. Part II of this series will describe the process of recalling a Mayor according to the Portsmouth City Charter.

We're Just Wondering...

There a was a nice little story about the Mayor's plans to fix up Rose Park in Sciotoville, yesterday. We're sure she will dip into that big pile of grant funds she has brought into the City's coffers to do it. (Actually she's using CIP funds for it. Has City Council passed those yet? Just asking.)

By the way, does anyone know what gang sign Mr. Noel is flashing there?

How Sad

It's no wonder that our city council has to spend night after night in special meetings to try to come up with a workable budget for the City. All the mayor is is a hindrance to the process. The following chart, prepared by the Mayor, appears on the City's website. (Click here to see for yourself.) It is ridiculous that our Madam Mayor Murray does not even know what a "general fund expenditure" is. The water, wastewater, and flood defense divisions have their own sources of revenue and are not general fund expenditures.

This is one of the two charts Murray used at her infamous state of the city address where she told us that..."whether it's water or sewer-we use those services multiple times a day. We all turn on water. We all flush the toilet multiple times per day."

God help us.

APRIL FOOL'S DAY CANCELLED

We are sorry to announce that the holiday known as April Fool's Day is hereby cancelled in Portsmouth. Since Mayor Murray has turned P-Town, Ohio into CRaZ Y tOwN, USA, the beloved holiday of practical jokes no longer has any meaning. As Steve Hayes from WNXT-FM's "Get Up and Go Show" said this morning:

Dear Friends. I know some of you were expecting a wild and outrageous "April Fool's" stunt this morning. Due to the fact that we've actually had 90 April Fool's days in a row I felt totally upstaged. I also felt a responibility to sensitivity to all who's lives have been interupted by the insenitivity from City Hall. I hope you understand that enough is enough. Usually this is a day that the "Get Up & Go Show" basks in the glory of tricking you. But, after much thought and brainstorming, we simply can't outdo the nonsense that the City of Portsmouth has been put through the last 90 days. From the arrests in the "Madam's" office, the brown water, the news headlines, traffic lights....sometimes we just can't be funny.

Mr. Hayes has an excellent point. After all, playing an April Fool's prank on the air in the City of Portsmouth today would be like busting out laughing at a funeral service or tripping a guy on crutches. And then what kind of jokes could you tell?
Mayor Murray tries to discipline a police officer for calling her ma'am instead of Madam Mayor? (Been there.)
Mayor Murray orders the police chief to investigate who took a picture of her bathroom? (Done that.)
Murray surrounds herself with kooks and losers. (Got the T-Shirt.)
Mayor Murray fires the Water Works Director for "gross mismanagement," threatens to have him "prosecuted" for firing a crooked employee who stole 1000s of dollars in equipment from the City and hires the director back 11 days later without a word of apology? (Not that funny the first time.)
Mayor Murray hires backwoods hick from Kentucky to be the "Commissioner of Engineering." But he has no engineering degree. In first week on the job, he calls the mechanics at the city works "n****r riggers" and tells jokes about n****rs and fags all week. Causing the Mayor to have to apologize to the black president of City Council. (Not our kind of humor.)
The Mayor hears on the news that the Ohio River is rising and orders her "Commissioner of Engineering" to "put up the flood gates!!" He calls out 18 city workers who stand in the rain for an hour before being sent home. They all get paid for 3 hours at time-and-a-half for doing nothing in the middle of a so-called budget crisis. (Now that was funny.)

As you can see all of the good April Fool's jokes are taken. But that's OK. Portsmouth will have its own Independence Day on July 6 when citizens can take out recall petitions against the Mayor (who started her political career in Portsmouth by trying to recall a city councilman whose seat she wanted). She will be gone by Veteran's Day. (If certain people get their act in gear, she could even be gone by Labor Day, but that may be wishful thinking.) One way or the other, the practical joke that was the Jane Murray adminstration will be over, and next April Fool's Day we can really celebrate. Any ideas for ways we can celebrate next April Fool's Day? CRAZY TOWN USA party? CAVE PEOPLE PARADE? Dress up as your favorite CAVE person. (We've got dibs on Daub, Noel, and a citizen). $5 donations to police and fire charities to flush the mayor's commemorative commode? (Is it possible to print photographs on toilet paper?)