AS A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS GIFT TO OUR READERS, WE NOW PRESENT AN UN-TOLD STORY FROM THE LAST DAYS OF THE JANE MURRAY ADMINISTRATION.
A secret meeting took place in the basement of Jane Murray’s house. Thanks to a tiny electronic device we hid in the collar of Murray’s dog, Annie, we were able to listen in and we can now share the details with our readers.
Those at the meeting were Mayor Murray herself, her attorney, and some of her major supporters.
Jane Murray: Thank you all for attending this very important meeting. Let us now begin with the CAVE Prayer.
Many voices in unison say: “Our Mayor, who art on Dorman, Madam, be thy name; Thy queendom come; thy will be done, in Portsmouth as it is Kentucky. Give us this day our daily meds. And bless all of our recalls, but don't forgive those who recall against us. Lead us not into Penn Station; but deliver us some pizza. For thine is the queendom, and the power to be mayor for ever. Awoman.”
Jane: Awoman. Now, Austin! Austin! Where are you?
Austin Leedom: Yes, madam savior. How may I serve you?
Jane: There should be more people here. Where is Harald Daub?
Austin: I’m afraid he is in the emergency room, my lady.
Jane: Oh, Lord! Was he beaten up by Tim Loper again?
Austin: No ma’am.
Jane: Was it that, senior citizen, Jerry Albrecht?
Austin: No ma’am. Even more humiliating.
Jane: Not Jo Ann Aeh!
Austin: No, your majesty. Harald was circulating a recall petition against Nick Basham at the Hillview Retirement Center. This enraged the residents. One elderly lady struck him repeatedly with her walker.
Jane: Oh, the fools. Why don’t they respect my greatness? Remind me to raise their water bills again.
Austin: Also the Mollette's have begun avoiding me. Ever since Tom Bihl announced his committee had over 1400 signatures for the recall.
Jane: Of course, they avoid you. I saw the Mollette’s the other day and they acted as if they did not even know me. There is only one logical explanation for this.
Austin: They are embarrassed to be seen with a mayor who is about to be recalled?
Jane: Of course not! The real Bob and Teresa have been abducted by the SOGP and replaced with identical pod people.
Austin: That must be it, Your Grace.
Jane Murray’s attorney, speaks: Jane, may I speak with you?
Murray (interrupting): As I’ve told you many times, Counsellor, I prefer to be addressed as Madam Mayor Murray, Ruler of Portsmouth.
Attorney: I'm sorry, Madam Mayor, I have a few questions. First of all, why are we meeting in your basement?
Murray: Why, it’s the only safe place left! My office and every other place in Portsmouth where we could possibly meet has been bugged by city council, the police chief, the mafia, and the SOGP.
Russ Doyle cries out excitedly: SOGP! SOGP! Da bouys! Da bouys!
Jane: My house is constantly occupied by large dogs that I personally, from the goodness of my heart, rescued from shelters. They would not let anyone in my home to plant a listening device. But mainly, we meet in my basement because Austin will turn into dust if he is exposed to sunlight.
Attorney: And why is there a coffin against the wall?
Jane: Well, Austin occasionally likes to sleep over.
Attorney: Are you telling me that Austin Leedom, your closest advisor, is a “vampire”?
Jane: Don’t be ridiculous. There is no such thing as a vampire. Mr. Leedom is merely a “sunlight-challenged volunteer oral phlebotomist.”
Doyle: PDTs! PDTs! Corruption! CORRUPT!
Doyle: 1. Look, Jane. 2. Look what I wrote. 2. See! I put a D in “Corruption” and now it says “CorruPDTion!” 3. Just like the Portsmouth Daily Times is corrupt! 6. Do you see it? 4. Now you have evidence of corruption in Portsmouth!
Jane: Yes, Russ. I see it. Such a clever boy. Now, go back to work.
Attorney (Whispering): Mayor. Who is that deranged mental case you just spoke to? And why is he chained to that computer desk?
Jane: Oh, that’s just Russ Doyle. Never mind him. I just keep him around to write clever rejoinders whenever the Portsmouth Times prints an article about me. Did you know he has over 100 screen names on Topix.com alone? That doesn’t even include the ones he uses over at Moe-ron's Forum!
Unidentified local businessman: Let's get to the main point of this *$!%@ meeting. How are we gonna keep *$!%@ Dave Malone from gettin’ to be *$!%@ Mayor?
Jane: Yes. That IS the point, isn’t it?
Doyle: Danger! Danger! Ma-lone Ranger! The SOGP arranger. Martings!!!!
Jane: Calm down, Russ. This is the gentleman I told you about. One of my financial backers. He has said he will contribute any amount of money to fight this recall. He is a local businessman who prefers to remain anonymous.
Businessman: Damn right.
Attorney: Madam Mayor. I have checked out this man’s record. I've learned that he is a convicted felon, a suspected arsonist, and an admitted drug user?
Businessman: What’s yer point, lawyer-boy?
Attorney: I don’t feel comfortable taking payments from this individual, mayor. Were you aware of his background?
Jane: As my attorney, I'm sure you understand that when you are the Mayor of the most corrupt city in the universe, sometimes you are forced to avert your gaze from such trivialities...for the greater good of the citizens.
Businessman: I just don’t want my town run by no n….
Jane: Now, now, we discussed this. Only Mr. Peck is allowed to say the N-word. He’s IS from Kentucky, you know.
Attorney: Mayor, are you also aware that, in January, this man also stated on the internet that he would spend “any amount of money” to have YOU recalled from office?
Businessman: Yeah, well, I hate Jane's guts, but when I thought about Dave Malone being mayor I changed my mind.
Attorney: I see. Well, I have yet to be paid for my services. To date, the total legal fees for me and my staff is nearly $10,000.
Businessman: Ten thousand! Are you nuts? Do you realize how many of my deadbeat relatives I have to send to South Carolina to buy garbage bags full of oxycontins to make that kind of money. I ain’t throwin’ it down no rathole. I’m out of here. (Sound of man walking out, slamming door.)
Jane: Now, now. Don’t worry. As soon as we win our case at the Supreme Court, I’ll just fire the City Solicitor and contract with you for all of the City’s legal services. You will make your money back in no time.
Attorney: Are-are you sure you can fire the City Solicitor?
Jane: Of course. I can fire anyone. It’s in something called the “City Charter.”
Attorney: What exactly is a “City Charter,” anyway?
Jane: I’m not really sure. But Austin Leedom assures me that it says I can fire whomever I want to.
Attorney: Mayor, may I be frank with you?
Jane: Of course, you can, Frank.
Attorney: I don’t think our chances look too good at the Ohio Supreme Court.
Jane: Oh-high-oh? Oh-high-oh? Exactly what is this term “oh-high-oh” that you keep bringing up? I have heard that phrase used frequently...ever since I moved to Portsmouth.
Attorney: I’m talking about “Ohio.” The state that Portsmouth is in.
Jane: But…but… Portsmouth is in Kentucky!
Attorney: No Jane. It’s in Ohio.
Jane: I’m sure you’re wrong, sir. I grew up in South Portsmouth, Kentucky, so I’m quite certain that North Portsmouth must also be in Kentucky!
Leedom: Excuse me, your excellency…
Jane: Austin? Why must you always interrupt me?
Leedom: I’m afraid your attorney is correct, your majesty. Portsmouth is in Ohio, not Kentucky.
Jane: Well, no matter. I’m sure my friends in Frankfort will be very helpful when the case gets before the court.
Attorney: Frankfort? Kentucky? But the appeal is going to Columbus. You know. The OHIO Supreme Court.
Jane: What!!!? You yankee fool!!! I wanted you to appeal to the Supreme Court of Kentucky! My ex-husband, Richard Vimont, is a respected attorney there. I’m sure he would help me!! I’m certain the restraining order has expired by now!!
Leedom: I’m sorry, Your Worshipfulness, but I fear your hapless shylock is correct. Our City is not within Kentucky’s jurisdiction.
Jane: How can this be? How can Kentucky be so ungrateful? After I’ve built so many failed museums and bankrupt cultural centers all over the state! As mayor, I’ve hired engineers and consultants from Kentucky every time I had the chance! I even gave them back their rock! They must rescue me from these evil North Portsmouth voters!
Leedom: Alas, my dear municipal goddess. It seems a river lies between us and your salvation.
Jane: A river? A river, you say? Then, perhaps, all is NOT lost. In fact, I have just thought a new plan. A plan that I had planned all along, that is. Yes. A plan that cannot fail!
Jane: PECK! I have need of you!
[Heavy chains rattle, and a voice is heard from a man in the corner, a large, trembling man, who has been sitting quietly throughout the meeting, whimpering with an unmistakably Kentuckian accent.]
Peck: No, ma’am. Please, no more madness.
Jane: Silence, Peck. I have a job for you.
Attorney: (Horrified by the scene before him). Gasp. What…what is that?
Jane: This is Jeffery Peck. My czar…my director…, no, no, my commissioner of water, sewer, services, and toenail trimming. The fools at city hall thought they made me get rid of him, but he’s been here the whole while. Ha ha!
Peck: Please, get me out of here, mister. She keeps me chained up and feeds me nothing but dog chow. I’ve lost over 100 pounds.
Attorney: But, but you appear to weigh over 400 pounds.
Peck: And what’s your point?
Attorney: You poor man. You smell like you haven’t had a bath in months.
Peck: No, I always smell like this.
Attorney: And your suit. It’s wrinkled and tattered.
Peck: No, this is how I always dress.
Jane: No need to worry, Peck. I’ll have you back to the Ramada Inn inhaling hot wings at the bar in short order...as soon as you complete my latest assignment.
Peck: N-n-no, ma’am. Let me go. I can’t take it anymore. I-
Jane: Silence! Or no more Beggin’ Strips for you!
Peck: Yes, ma’am. (Then Peck’s voice can be heard whispering, excitedly : “Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon! It’s bacon!”)
Jane: Please focus on the task at hand. The only solution to our problem is now apparent. We must re-route the Ohio River! We shall make Portsmouth a part of Kentucky!
[Gasps are heard on the recording as all in the room are stunned by the Mayor statement.]
Peck: Aw, no, ma’am. You gotta be kiddin’.
Jane: Yes! Yes! I have it right here. From your resume. “Jeffery Peck, Professional Engineer. Experience: Have toppled mountains and changed the courses of mighty rivers.”
Peck: Well, uh, I might have exaggerated a little bit.
Jane: Come now. I clearly remember you told me that, once after consuming large amounts of alcohol at Damon’s, you had urinated a bigger stream than the Ohio River. That's my Jeff. That's my wild, beer-guzzling crazy-man…that’s the man I need at my side now. Together, we WILL re-direct that river… north of Sciotoville, right through Eden Park and down Rosemount Road. We could even flood New Boston, while we’re at it. (That will teach Jim Warren to call me crazy!) Come on. We can use the pumps we bought for Grandview Avenue.
Peck: I just don’t know, ma’am.
Jane: Yes, my dear Jeff. It will be simple. Austin! Bring me my "Traffic Calming Plan." It will now become my "Ohio River Re-Route Plan." Wherever it says "Dorman Drive" just mark it out and write "Ohio River."
Austin: As you command, oh, beautiful lady of wisdom!
Jane: Just think of it, Jeff. You don’t meet the qualifications to be an engineer in Ohio. But if Portsmouth were a part of Kentucky, as it should be, then...just think. You could be an engineer again! And I could expose City Council for the fools they are. Let them just try to deny my pay raise then!
Peck: Me? An engineer? A really, for real engineer? Oh, how wonderful that would be!
Jane: Take my hands, Jeff. Close your eyes. Click your magic slippers together and say it with me. “There’s no place like Kentucky!”
Peck: Yes, Jane. Yes. I’ll do it. It hasn’t rained in months. The river is practically dried up. I can make this work! We can call it a shovel-ready project.
Several voices are heard chanting in unison: “There’s no place like Kentucky! There’s no place like Kentucky!”
Attorney: Stop it! Stop it, all of you! Jane, your plan is just crazy!
Jane: Peck! Is my attorney questioning my sanity?
Peck: Uh--. No ma'am. I think he meant to say "Jane, your plan just might be crazy enough to work!"
Peck (whispering to Attorney): Please don't say "crazy." It sends her into a rage. How do you think I ended up down here?
Attorney: Jane. You must face reality. Over 1400 citizens of Portsmouth have signed petitions to vote on your recall--TWICE. The first time we got lucky and fooled the Board of Elections into throwing them out. But the second time, I used every excuse, every argument, and every legal dirty trick I could think of, but I still couldn't get the Board to rule in your favor.
Attorney: Now your only hope...your last chance...is the possibility that the Supreme Court of Ohio will completely ignore the will of the people of Portsmouth and the voting rights of the citizens and throw out the recall based on some obscure technicality.
And even if by some slight chance they do so, what makes you think the recall committee will stop? I'm sure they will just try again, and eventually there will be nothing we can appeal?
If you really believe you are a good mayor, Jane, maybe you should just face the voters. If the people support you, then that will be the end of it. No more recalls. City council will see that you are right. There can be progress in Portsmouth. The squabbling would be over. The citizens of Portsmouth would see you as a hero. You may get a vast majority of the vote, and even assure your re-election in 2013!
Mayor. I plead with you. Drop your appeal. Face the voters. It's the only honorable thing to do. If you lose, so be it.
Jane. Be a leader. Just do the right thing!
[There is a brief silence. Then the mayor speaks.]
Jane: Mr. Peck, if you ever want your freedom, you know what to do.
Peck: Sorry, Mr. Attorney, sir. I told you not to cross her. It's not so bad down here. You'll get used to it.
[There is the sound of heavy chains clanking.]
Attorney: Wait! No! You can't do this to me!!
Jane: Everyone!! Grab a shovel! To the Ohio River! We must begin digging immediately!
Peck: Bye, Mister. Don't worry. Tomorrow is Kibbles and Bits Day! Yum!
KENTUCKY JANE
Jane Murray's bankrupt UK Basketball Museum (now defunct) 
