The CAVE People do not want you to have golden rings.
Specifically, those little golden rings of sugary goodness called donuts!
"What's that?" we hear you say. "We've seen the CAVE People. It's hard to believe they are ALL against donuts!"
Well, ok. You caught us. They're not ALL against ALL donuts. Just Crispie Creme donuts. And just since City Solicitor Mike Jones became a co-owner of the Crispie Creme donut shop. One CAVE Person in particular hates Crispie Creme donuts: our favorite Grinch, Robert Forrey.
You know how some old people are. Especially if they don't work...if they live alone...and if they have naturally nasty dispositions. If they left their job under suspicious circumstances. And they have alienated everyone that should matter in their lives. And if they look like they are constipated a lot. The type of person has nothing to do but pry around in other people's business.
Retired Professor Robert Forrey, of the River Vices blog, is just that type of person. And like the Grinch, his heart is three sizes too small. That makes him a very mean old man. Unfortunately, he is mean AND not very smart, so his blog is filled with factually incorrect AND mean-spirited statements.
A great example of this is his recent entry about Portsmouth's favorite donut shop. ("From Dollars To Donuts.")
Forrey reports that, in 2007, "Mike Jones and a partner" (that is, business partner, NOT the type of "partner" Forrey normally is concerned about) "completed the purchase of the Crispie Creme Donut Shop, at 1202 Gallia Street. The value the County Auditor put on the donut shop was $107,990, but Jones and his partner paid an eye-popping $325,000 for the property. Did Jones confuse Crispie Creme with the national chain Krispy Kreme? What was he thinking? I suspected there might be an error in the $325,000 figure, so I checked with the County Auditor’s Office to make sure that figure was correct. I was told it was. Granted the valuation put on property for purposes of taxation is usually less than the putative market value, but a nearly 300 percent increase can hardly be accounted for on those grounds. The $325,000 for Crispie Creme sounds as inflated as the $2 million dollars the city paid for the Marting building."
Forrey goes on to complain that the Southern Ohio Growth Partnership and American Savings Bank would make loans to a business that in Forrey's vaunted opinion is doomed! Not content to slander Jones' business endeavor, Forrey goes, as he puts it, "Closer To Home."
"Unfortunately, Jones’s indebtedness is not confined to his business. He appears to have financial problems closer to home. In April 2005, two years before taking out the two mortgages on the donut shop, he bought a home in Portsmouth, on “the Hill,” at xxxxxxxxxxxx, for $xxxxxxx. (We left this information out, for the sake of decency.)... If the City Solicitor is no better at handling the city’s legal problems than he is at handling his own finances, his term in office may seem even longer to the citizens of Portsmouth than it will to him."
What a disgusting person Forrey is! What a bitter, nosy, old busybody! The self-importance and lack of decency of this man knows no bounds. What business of his is it how much Jones paid for his house? Does he know how much Jones has in savings? Does he know how much his wife makes? Forrey seems amazed that an attorney would be able to afford a house that costs six figures, and uses that fact to claim that Jones is a crook.
Reader, how would you like to have Forrey snooping around the Courthouse digging into your personal information? And if it were any of this vile idiot's business, if he had even an iota of common sense, he might realize that Jones was not just "buying a building." He was buying all the equipment: the donut presses and fryers and display cases and cooling racks and refrigeration units and whatever the hell else it takes to make donuts. Forrey probably does not even know that the building has a basement with even more equipment in use down there.
The new owners also bought a name. A reputation. An 80-plus year relationship between the people and a cherished establishment. People in Portsmouth have a love for the Crispie Creme shop. What person in Scioto County doesn't have fond memories of being taken to the donut shop by mom or dad and picking out their favorite donut and drinking a cool carton of milk? Crispie Creme is a wonderful Portsmouth institution. Thank God someone has the foresight to keep the place going. A normal, decent person would hope that the owners profit handsomely from their investment, but not the CAVE People. They would love to see it close its doors, just like they want the Portsmouth Times, the hospital, and the City itself to fail.
Dear Reader, think of your fondest memories of Crispie Creme donuts.
Now read what Forrey has to say:
"...a walking-dead donut shop."
"a financial deep fry [that] soon may be toast."
"artery-clogging cholesterol and ass-over-the-stool obesity."
"the only healthy thing about a donut is the hole."
"a business that appears to have nothing going for it but donut nostalgia."
"how in the world [has] it managed to stay in business."
Forrey, maybe you should eat a donut sometime. But don't buy a Long John, because you might not know where to stick it.
Apparently, the thing that really gets Forrey's panties in a wad is the fact that some of the financing for the purchase of the donut shop was assisted by the Southern Ohio Growth Partnership (the "evil S.O.G.P."). Imagine that! An organization whose main purpose is to make small business loans in Southern Ohio actually helped someone buy a business! What an underhanded thing to do. Obviously they are all crooks! (That's sarcasm, Mr. Forrey.) Or as Forrey concludes, "Jones was bought and paid for from the beginning."
We at the Underground can't help wondering, Mr. Forrey, if you're such a brilliant businessman, where are the thriving businesses you've started? If you know so much more than American Savings Bank, why aren't you living "up on the hill"? How much does your house cost? Have you ever had a real job, Professor, instead of sucking on the government teat and brainwashing the "backward children of Appalachia" with your atheism and homosexual propaganda?
Despite Forrey's oh-so-brilliant financial analysis of Mike Jones' business and personal finances, we believe the donut shop will do just fine. The people Portsmouth love their Crispie Cremes. They have increased their product line and have expanded into outlets around the county to share the goodness of their products. It's rare to go by the shop and not see people sitting and enjoying coffee and a donut, or picking up an order while their vehicle idles outside the door. PHS students seem to love it and Crispie Creme literally has dozens of coffee shops around the county that they supply donuts to, as well as brownies and turnovers and cookies.
As usual Forrey doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.
With the holidays upon us, why not make a special effort to patronize this fine local business that Forrey, the outsider from Massachusetts, attacks so callously? Let them know we're glad they're here.
Give the gift of donuts. Make someone happy.
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